The Morning After
by TheCauldron
Summary: Penguin onesies and action hero lines. Now if only Harry could remember what happened last night...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Dedicated to LolaKennet for her excellent help in compiling a list of Russian obscenities. You're a legend, hon,** **Спас** **и** **бо** **! Hope you enjoy this bit of silliness.**

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Harry woke in a pile of drool. He smacked his lips a few times, pulling a face at the lingering taste in his mouth. He didn't _remember_ licking the carpet, but he'd been pretty trashed the night before and he couldn't really remember anything after cracking open the second bottle of Firewhiskey.

Groggily, he pushed himself to his feet, shuffling to the bathroom. His head was throbbing hard enough to white his vision, and he couldn't think past his pressing need to piss and get the revolting taste out of his mouth.

Fumbling for his fly, he sighed in relief. Resting one hand on the wall above the toilet, he closed his eyes, trying to remember what had occurred the night before.

Party with the boys, pizza delivered, a couple of drinking games, Dean pretending to be a stripper and jumping _into_ a cake, Ron drunkenly sobbing about how much he loved Hermione and wanted her back because Lavender didn't do that thing with her tongue, Draco coming out of the closet and being immediately pounced on by Charlie, opening the second bottle to toast their drunken man love, and… blank. What the hell happened after that?

A pounding on the door had him clutching his head and moaning in misery. Staggering over, he threw it open, wincing as the morning sunlight burned red hot spikes through his brain.

"You have a lot of explaining to do!" Hermione pushed past him, gracing him with her evilest glare. "And do your pants up!"

Harry grimaced and did as instructed, meekly following her into his completely trashed sitting room and perching gingerly on the couch. He made a mental note to burn the couch later, since he now remembered what Draco and Charlie had done on it.

"Harry, how _could_ you?" Hermione was distraught.

"Hermione, I love you. You're the sister I never had and wasn't entirely certain I wanted. But I am very hung over, and I have no idea what you're talking about. So if you could please explain it to me, _quietly_ , and preferably in little words, I'd really appreciate it." Harry rubbed his eyes, and did his best not to throw up when colours erupted behind his lids.

Huffing in irritation, Hermione dug around in her bag, and pulled out a vial of hangover cure. "Drink this, and shower. Then come back here so I can yell at you."

Grinning queasily, Harry downed the potion, relaxing with a sigh as it took effect, the pain and nausea easing.

"Have I mentioned today that I love you?" He smiled, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek.

"Harry, you reek. If you come any closer before bathing and cleaning your teeth, I am going to hurt you in ways that will make your great grandchildren cross their legs."

 _ **One shower and teeth cleaning later**_

"Harry, how _could_ you?" Hermione was distraught.

He paused. "Didn't we already do this bit? Wait, did you _practice_ the speech you were going to give me? You made a list of points to make, didn't you, complete with most effective facial expression and gestures." Harry grinned when she flushed slightly.

"That's beside the point!" She poked him harshly in the chest, pushing him back a step. " _You_ are the one in the wrong here, don't try to weasel out of it!"

Harry pouted, rubbing his chest. "Weasel out of what? I still don't know what you're talking about!"

" _This!_ I'm talking about _this_!" She hissed, dragging him over to her laptop computer, angling the screen so he could see. Hitting play, she glared while the Youtube video began.

Harry watched what appeared to be footage from a documentary on penguin breeding habits. "Uh, Hermione, I don't… oh."

 _He appeared onscreen in what looked like a penguin onesie and monster feet slippers, charging down the shore brandishing a club. A penguin leapt from the water, pursued closely by a leopard seal. Penguin-Harry swung his club, bringing it down on the head of the seal with a thud, knocking it unconscious before it could attack its prey. Striking a pose, Penguin-Harry glared down at the stunned creature. "Warranty voided, motherfucker!"_

Harry grinned weakly. "Hey, with a cool dry wit like that, I could be an action hero!" His smile wilted under Hermione's steady look of disapproval.

Without a word, she started the next video.

 _Harry, still dressed in a penguin onesie, was being menaced by a leopard in a zoo. Suddenly, he whipped out a huge leg of indeterminate meat, and threw it. The leopard leapt after it, tearing into it with gusto. Grinning, Penguin-Harry leaned against a tree and folded his arms. "Guess that hit the spot!"_

Scratching his head, Harry grinned sheepishly. "Ok, I can see why you're upset…" He winced when her glare intensified and she started a third video.

 _Back in the Arctic, Penguin-Harry chased a fox away from the nest of an Arctic Tern, rescuing the hatchling. "Well, that's a Tern up for the books!" He picked up the chick, nuzzling its fuzz with his nose, only to have it peck him and nearly take out his eye. "Ah!" He screamed. "It's taken a Tern for the worse!"_

Cringing, Harry covered his eyes. "Alright, that one was terrible."

Still glaring fiercely, Hermione started the last video.

 _Penguin-Harry was riding a miniature pony, his monster feet slippers dragging on the ground. A shouting farmer was chasing after them, but Penguin-Harry cackled madly. "Can't talk now, I'm a little horse!"_

Pursing his lips, Harry peered at his companion nervously. "So, I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this; and when I figure out what it is, you'll be the first person I tell. Promise."

He later reflected, as he waited for the ringing in his ears to pass, that women could be completely unreasonable when it came to Boys Night.


	2. Authors Note

Authors Note: Hello all! So, after being pestered, I caved and wrote a sequel. Another Morning After has been posted. It's even worse than this one, don't say you weren't warned. This series will be updated whenever I'm in the mood for something lighter, but there is no set schedule, so don't come whinging to me about it, yeah? If you want to read more ridiculous pun based shenanigans, you're best off following my profile. Thanks for reading!


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